Thursday, February 24, 2011

I seem to missing something.

Today is day 2 at work without my breast pump. I had thought that I would be thrilled to not lug that thing around anymore. I was about to throw it out the window a few weeks ago. But it's a little sad. I'm not sure if I miss the responsibility or the magazine break twice a day while at the office.
Oh well. That chapter is over. I'm still nursing in the morning and before bed. And will continue until he doesn't want to anymore. I'm not quite ready to lose that bonding time yet. I'm sure Henry will be soon as he already has skipped the night feeding a couple of times this week. But that morning feeding is the best. All snuggled up with my sleepy baby boy in my bed with Rhiannon next to me watching cartoons.
I may cry when that stops.
I've been crying a lot lately. Can you tell?
I guess I will just spend my magazine time blogging. Or mabye I should work. . .

Monday, February 21, 2011

In just a few minutes. . .

So normally I use this blog to tell you about my children. I try to share pictures and funny stories. But today I'm just going to share my thoughts. Russ has been snoring for hours now and I should be in bed but I'm having trouble because of my thoughts. Of course the thoughts are about my children. About one in particular tonight. Henry. Because in just a few minutes, he will be one year old.

I sat in my chair this evening and tried to catch up on some Grey's that I had DVR'd. I had to pause every so often and go and rock a sick little boy. Sick. On his birthday. But as sad as that sounds, it just means that I have an excuse to go and rock him and kiss him and smell him and squeeze him. In the same rocker that I sat in for hours and hours when he was just born. As he screamed and finally passed out on my chest. I would sit there and cry because I was the worst Mommy in the world because I couldn't comfort my son. And tonight I cried because I was all he wanted. And he is so big lying stretched across my body. Weighing what seems like a million pounds. And he smells wonderful. And feels wonderful. And I just rocked and cried getting big fat crocodile tears on his sweet blonde head.

And it didn't help that on my episode of Greys, Callie is pregnant. And bleeding. And at the OB wanting to know what was wrong. And they finally heard the heart beat. And I cried more. Because I remember.

I remember on July 17 at 9 weeks pregnant. I was driving home from work on a Friday evening and was sitting at the red light at Jesse Jewel and I felt something wrong. And I looked down to see that I was sitting in a puddle of blood. I drove home as I continued to feel the puddle grow. I got home and went to bathroom and remember sitting there on the toilet and and watching it fill with blood. Russ came home and found me crying and digging in the toilet, sifting through the clots because I just knew that it was pieces of my baby. We called the dr and they sent us to the emergency room. I remember the ultrasound tech at the ER. I remember her because it was the same tech we saw at the ER when I had bleeding with Rhiannon. And she can't tell me anything. And then after several hours, we see the doctor. That sweet wonderful doctor that tells me that the baby is fine. I remember going to my OB that Monday after a LONG worried weekend and hearing the best sound in the world. My baby's heartbeat. Thank you Jesus.

Henry, you scared me to death my entire pregnancy. I thought I lost you a half a dozen times. I layed in bed for 17 weeks because we thought you would be early. I got a shot in my butt every week for 19 weeks. 19 shots to help you cook.

But in the end, you gave me the experience I was longing for. My water broke in the middle of the night 3 days after your due date. We got to race to the hospital and wait in excitement through the contractions instead of fear.

And my favorite part? Seeing Dr Cox hold us this beautiful, BIG, pink BOY. With a head full of gorgeous dark brown hair. And you were healthy and breathing. And it was all worth it.

I'm not saying I would do it again. But I was glad to do it for you. Only you.

Happy Birthday Henry. I don't know how this year has gone by so fast. But you are so much fun and everything that I wanted. God gave us you and I thank him every day for that. We love you Bubba.